COMMENTARY...MOISTURES OF DIFFERENCE...CONSCiOUSNESS 12.07.09

GO TO THE BLOG OF MOISTURES OF DIFFERENCES TO SEE THE REFERENT ESSAY...REFERENCE GUIDE

http://moisturesofdifferences.blogspot.com/

MOISTURES OF DIFFERENCES...SANDS OF AWARENESS...

CONSCiOUSNESS IN BECOMING...

call it 'withdrawal', regression, 'control', or 'narcissism', whatever you want to, but i feel quite clearly, for now, that i need to take a kind of sabbatical and commit my time and energy to being with myself in a new way......i feel a strong pull to be with you, but i feel a stronger pull to take the time i need to know myself more fully.....to find and commit to a "purposeful sense of being" and "self generativeness"....to "let go" to "transform"......to find the "courage of moving in one's own truth".....i feel like i have to "change belief and rhythm to own one's (my) own soul" and that calls for "extrication out of kinwebs" and "awakening out of dreams" and "escapism".......i want to overcome the "paralysis" of melancholia" and make my "anger work" for me.........

it takes time [just writing this has taken me 3 and a half hours, which didn't go to accomplishing other things, although i chose this because it is worth it in the moment to do so] ...time and willingess to access "what seeks to surface".....and to find "affirmation from within in the midst of external 'uncertainty'"........so i wish to slow down and process any excesses, as you refer to it...to move into "directing life energies in healthy purpose"......and since "nothing is truly known until it is felt", i need to create space to feel what's true inside the/my stillness.....and see the "fork in the road as opportunity"......so that i might "own" my "own soul" in the "feelings of all even as one is alone in expression and purpose".........."releasing from inferior influences" and from "damaging denials"......"awakening" in a form of "inner alchemy"...........bypassing the "violence of threats" and "punishments of expecting"......doing "justice with others while moving out of the oppressions of impositions"..........i, here and now, choose not to hide conflicts or "mediate to get needs met"........



i want to break out of the cycle of "creating more turmoil" and the "circularity spiraling of recurrent themes" as one gets better at "mediation", "power" and "control".......to stop mediating against "'the loss of love'" .....i refuse to be the "princess who is trapped in her own dreams" that needs 'releasing' (projection?)............and as such, you are left free to be in the state of "hypersexuality awareness" and "generative presence" that will counteract the "numbing in the absence of the pleasure of spontaneity"......so you can cease to feel manipulated by other's needs and wishes (especially mine, since my claiming myself affects you as a personal affront/challenge/powerplay, rather than as a vulnerable appeal to be met as an equal)...and you can feel free "while moving to new encounters and 'truth of urgency' out of the mediation of endurance"......as a "true rebel"..........attaining "self respect" and "self esteem"...........



i know that my seeking my own self respect and self esteem can't be done in a vacuum; and i don't believe we, as humans, are meant always to go it alone......but the conflict that is inherent for me in relating to you (of truthfully not being the one desired, etc. and of the combustion cycle of your accepting what i'm willing to give you, always knowing it has its limits for you, then pushing me away in unkind ways and my feeling deeply hurt and angry again).....takes a great deal of energy and results in my coping, contending instead of thriving........i have wanted to give you what i can, but when its not genuinely received, and it's never enough, it's ennervating and discouraging.........i have too much i want to learn, become, do, be, share (before the time is gone) to get mired in repeated negativity.......i know some of the conflict has resulted in growth for both of us (your quote of Reich's, "all growth is integration of seemingly opposite values") and for that i am grateful...and i do not condemn the process and its value.....but i'm at some crystallizing point right now that calls for me to finish what i set out to do here---bookshelves, files, organization, etc., so that i am not burdened by the undone, and can explore, readily and freely, the creative that will unfold from the commitment to myself....so from now until the new year, i want to focus on moving forward without diluting the intention and energy, by being distracted by momentary pleasures that lead to conflict that has no satisfactory resolution.........



i do fear that i might fail: lose momentum, conviction, intention.....but now's the time to try....to break the cycle of frustration...i can feel the merest little green shoot of real self love just beginning to show itself and reach for the sun....for the very first time in my life.....i want to nurture it........and hopefully it will result in something beautiful, as yet unknown....it might take longer than i would wish, or maybe it will never come to fruition, but i want to go forward; and i feel that, for now, i must be 'alone'...so i'm sorry that it prevents my relating to you right now in presence, but i need to take care of myself right now, and perhaps it will 'come to good' for both of us......follow whatever star you will, and i do wish you well..........thank you for your expression of my contribution to your work............