SHOW ME YOUR MOTIONS...EMOTIONS AND WAYS

'FOR ICE CANNOT KNOW FIRE EXCEPT BY MELTING, BY VANISHING'...

JULES RENARD, JOURNAL 1890.

FOR EVEN KIDS KNOW IT IS WRONG TO HOLD OUT ON SOMETHING...AS YOU DIDN'T SAY I COULD HAVE A REAL PONY...

IT IS TRUINGS IN URGENCY PRESENCE

THERE IS A BROWN GIRL IN THE RING...

FOR WHO MOVES IN INTEGRITY IDENTITY OF MOTIONS OF PRESENCE WITHOUT THE POWER MANIPULATIVENESS OF SEEKING SOMETHING IN A DEAL...

PATIENCE AND THE MULBERRY LEAF BECOME A SILK GOWN- CHINESE PROVERB

LUCK NEVER MADE A MAN WISE-SENECA

THE FIELD CANNOT WELL BE SEEN FROM WITHIN THE FIELD-EMERSON

SELF TRUST IS THE ESSENCE OF HEROISM-EMERSON

THE FINEST PEOPLE MARRY THE TWO SEXES IN THEIR OWN PERSON-EMERSON

THE MOST VIOLENT PASSIONS LEAVE US AT REST, BUT VANITY AGITATES US CONSTANTLY-LA ROCHEFOUCAULD-MAXIMS -1665

THE THINGS WHICH ARE DEAREST TO US HAVE COST US THE MOST-MONTAIGNE

WOE TO THE HOUSE WHERE THE HEN CROWS AND THE ROOSTER KEEPS STILL-SPANISH PROVERB

VANITY THEATER...

THE ASCENTIONS OF TOUCH
DEEP FIRES OF WALLINGS
SOUNDZ OF FIRES IN A STEAMING SEA
WHERE SPARKLING WATERS DREAM

THE MAGICIANS OF HUNGERS
ENCOUNTERS IN ESCALATORS AND LADDERINGS
KNOWING BLACK BALLS AND 8 BALL
DANGERS OF ABANDON BITCH ITCH

FOR SOMEONE MUST PAY
A PSYCHE TERROR OF BURNT DESIRES
GRIEVING STRAINS OF GREEDY SENSES

FOR WHAT WAS DONE TO ME...

BE CAREFUL WHO YOU ASK TO BE YOUR MIRROR
AS ALL IS CLOUDED BY DESIRE IN FORTRESS STRATEGY
A DEEP SLEEP OF ONLY DREAMS OF BEING AWAKE
FOR UNKNOWN AND UNEXPECTED WANTINGS TO BE BORN

THE BOW OF TENDER TENSIONS KNOWING TRIGGERS
AS ARROW RELEASINGS EXPERIENCE TO ACTIONS
THE HIGH SPIRITED IN THE DANCE KNOWS
THE ANGST IS THE LAY OF THE LAND

THE OLD ORDER BREAKING INTO BECOMING
AS SWIFTNESS IN THE FIRES AND WINDS
IMAGINING BEYOND INTENSITY ADDICTIVENESS
FEARLESSNESS OF TRUTH OF INNER NECESSITY

CREATIVE RESOLVE OF RESILIENCE
FOR AS NIETZSCHE SPOKE 'ONLY HE WHO IS MAN ENOUGH
WILL RELEASE THE WOMAN IN WOMAN'
OUT OF THE MASKS HIDING TRUINGS FROM HERSELF

FOR THE STRENGTH OF MAN IS BROUGHT TO BEAR
IN THE DEEP STRENGTHS OF WOMAN
AS YIELDINGS IN THE SURRENDERS OF SELF
TO SELF...

EVERYTHING IS A NARRATIVE IN BEING...

WHO IS COURAGE VIEWING WITHIN OUT OF THE WITHDRAWALS AND PACIFIERS...TO CHOOSE CLEAR PRESENCE...TO RECOGNIZE INTERSECTS SEEING MISERY WHERE SUFFERINGS FUEL POWER AND DENIAL SUSTAINS A BELIEF...

IT IS LIES IN CLOCKS SETTTINGS IN DISTORTIONS... THE AUTOMATON WAYS OF 'KA' BRANDINGS...ZONINGS OF AMPLIFIED USE...

FOR THE STORY ONE TELLS ONESELF OR ARTICULATES TO OTHERS IS A NARRATIVE OF AN IDEA OF SELF...A SELF MEDIATING IMPOSITIONS AND ELECTRICAL MERIDIANS OF EXTERNALIZED 'COOL FIRE' ACCENTUATIONS...

IT IS AVATAR MEDIUM SAVANT PATTERN...AS A NARRATIVE OF PROJECTIONISM...

GRIEF WOUNDEDNESS IN AN INABILITY TO ARTICULATE WHAT IS HIDDEN IN THE SILENCES OF IMPOSITION

DESIRE AND NEED BECOME PAIN STATES WHEN SATISFACTION AND PLEASURE ARE UNDULY POSTPONED

A 3 MINUTE VIDEO...AS TIME GOES BY...ON YOU TUBE...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgHlgUS0NTE

COMMENTARY...MOISTURES OF DIFFERENCE...CONSCiOUSNESS 12.07.09

GO TO THE BLOG OF MOISTURES OF DIFFERENCES TO SEE THE REFERENT ESSAY...REFERENCE GUIDE

http://moisturesofdifferences.blogspot.com/

MOISTURES OF DIFFERENCES...SANDS OF AWARENESS...

CONSCiOUSNESS IN BECOMING...

call it 'withdrawal', regression, 'control', or 'narcissism', whatever you want to, but i feel quite clearly, for now, that i need to take a kind of sabbatical and commit my time and energy to being with myself in a new way......i feel a strong pull to be with you, but i feel a stronger pull to take the time i need to know myself more fully.....to find and commit to a "purposeful sense of being" and "self generativeness"....to "let go" to "transform"......to find the "courage of moving in one's own truth".....i feel like i have to "change belief and rhythm to own one's (my) own soul" and that calls for "extrication out of kinwebs" and "awakening out of dreams" and "escapism".......i want to overcome the "paralysis" of melancholia" and make my "anger work" for me.........

it takes time [just writing this has taken me 3 and a half hours, which didn't go to accomplishing other things, although i chose this because it is worth it in the moment to do so] ...time and willingess to access "what seeks to surface".....and to find "affirmation from within in the midst of external 'uncertainty'"........so i wish to slow down and process any excesses, as you refer to it...to move into "directing life energies in healthy purpose"......and since "nothing is truly known until it is felt", i need to create space to feel what's true inside the/my stillness.....and see the "fork in the road as opportunity"......so that i might "own" my "own soul" in the "feelings of all even as one is alone in expression and purpose".........."releasing from inferior influences" and from "damaging denials"......"awakening" in a form of "inner alchemy"...........bypassing the "violence of threats" and "punishments of expecting"......doing "justice with others while moving out of the oppressions of impositions"..........i, here and now, choose not to hide conflicts or "mediate to get needs met"........



i want to break out of the cycle of "creating more turmoil" and the "circularity spiraling of recurrent themes" as one gets better at "mediation", "power" and "control".......to stop mediating against "'the loss of love'" .....i refuse to be the "princess who is trapped in her own dreams" that needs 'releasing' (projection?)............and as such, you are left free to be in the state of "hypersexuality awareness" and "generative presence" that will counteract the "numbing in the absence of the pleasure of spontaneity"......so you can cease to feel manipulated by other's needs and wishes (especially mine, since my claiming myself affects you as a personal affront/challenge/powerplay, rather than as a vulnerable appeal to be met as an equal)...and you can feel free "while moving to new encounters and 'truth of urgency' out of the mediation of endurance"......as a "true rebel"..........attaining "self respect" and "self esteem"...........



i know that my seeking my own self respect and self esteem can't be done in a vacuum; and i don't believe we, as humans, are meant always to go it alone......but the conflict that is inherent for me in relating to you (of truthfully not being the one desired, etc. and of the combustion cycle of your accepting what i'm willing to give you, always knowing it has its limits for you, then pushing me away in unkind ways and my feeling deeply hurt and angry again).....takes a great deal of energy and results in my coping, contending instead of thriving........i have wanted to give you what i can, but when its not genuinely received, and it's never enough, it's ennervating and discouraging.........i have too much i want to learn, become, do, be, share (before the time is gone) to get mired in repeated negativity.......i know some of the conflict has resulted in growth for both of us (your quote of Reich's, "all growth is integration of seemingly opposite values") and for that i am grateful...and i do not condemn the process and its value.....but i'm at some crystallizing point right now that calls for me to finish what i set out to do here---bookshelves, files, organization, etc., so that i am not burdened by the undone, and can explore, readily and freely, the creative that will unfold from the commitment to myself....so from now until the new year, i want to focus on moving forward without diluting the intention and energy, by being distracted by momentary pleasures that lead to conflict that has no satisfactory resolution.........



i do fear that i might fail: lose momentum, conviction, intention.....but now's the time to try....to break the cycle of frustration...i can feel the merest little green shoot of real self love just beginning to show itself and reach for the sun....for the very first time in my life.....i want to nurture it........and hopefully it will result in something beautiful, as yet unknown....it might take longer than i would wish, or maybe it will never come to fruition, but i want to go forward; and i feel that, for now, i must be 'alone'...so i'm sorry that it prevents my relating to you right now in presence, but i need to take care of myself right now, and perhaps it will 'come to good' for both of us......follow whatever star you will, and i do wish you well..........thank you for your expression of my contribution to your work............

NYC~~Roosevelt Hospital!~~stranded at 3 a.m.~~meeting you~~a white blanket over bare arms~~and keys in hand~~Hotel Henry Hudson, room 955~~follow guy from elevator~~posters on walls~~dark and strange~~suspension of time....







breakfast in cafe~~raining in the city~~buttons and books in store windows~~Kool cigarettes~~table by window, framing city people in the rain~~coffee from a vending machine~~quiet talk~~"i feel like i have known you all my life"~~"come live with me in New York"....






locked out of room~~to Canary's~~walking~~flourescent flowers sprawled upon dirty storne walls~~hang-up at door~~strawberry creme soda under a red light~~huge eyes staring from across the room~~mutual discovery in chewy nougats~~Cyrano de Bergerac~~other revelations~~but too serious~~time flashing on sign down the street: time to go.......






other bits and pieces: lighted twin towers gleaming golden from Charlie's apartment window~~running barefoot in your grey shirt at 2 a.m. to see you at work~~taxi rides across town~~Picasso's portrait in pink and blue~~sparkling burgundy and a warm bath~~red bikini panties~~English muffins and crackers, fruit salad and french fries, cokes and coffee~~room service calls to pharmacy: click...click...click.......






Dreams...come back in November..."live together"..."we'll be lazy together"...Plaza Hotel for a week..."maybe Thanksgiving"...a very special place and a hot fudge sundae with a cherry on top, melting..."you're so much like me".....






to the fountain~~night in New York~~dungarees and sweatshirts~~conscious of my youth~~you whistle~~down sidewalk past small group quietly talking~~you, carefree, surefooted up the side to sit atop and view your fountain~~standing beneath you, my hand on the cool curve of a stone ram's horn~~trees of exaggerated green under city lights~~looking up, black-violet behind you~~the Plaza Hotel seen through sprays of water droplets~~a long-haired girl, wading, smiling......sad beauty in things, in you........Rosebuds the color of sherry, a card a letter~~a web-footed messenger with pink surprise package~~and always "with love"..................


















[seems shorter typed out than it did hand-written--much more detail of interest around the above--like the hang-up at the door to Canary's apt. was some young black guy holding a knife to my neck trying to scare me------Charlie was old black guy who had yellowed and bloodshot eyes who i figured supplied Jimmy with drugs of some kind (charlie had a (red?) beaded curtain in his place)---i rode in the back of the ambulance to get there--huge staring eyes in Canary's place were from one of those commercial paintings of the little kids with great big eyes---etc..........yikes...........i really did all that.........






i must have been crazed in retrospect!! dangerous, wild times, but i didn't feel crazy then---running barefoot(!?) in the street at 2 in the morning(?!) (Jimmy worked the night shift as an ambulance attendant at the hospital--that's how i happened to meet him--and he offered me a place to stay since i had no where to go that time of night after my ER scare--they took the gunshot wounds first, leaving me til very late in the game--he gave me a white blanket and the keys to his room where i could go until he finished his shift first thing in the morning--i was going to leave by bus the next morning but stayed for several days............)






as i reread now i can see how the recorded written flow was a little inconsistent --- and i think there was another piece not here, with the image of a red candy box, fluttering to the ground from someone's apt. window across the way (not sure what i did with that sketch)----any time there is a quote above, they were Jimmy's words, not mine....i was along for the adventure (to feed my writing instinct?)---his last name was Arrant (how appropriate--errant)----rosebuds and messenger came after i had returned home......and of course, there was much more..........and Shakespeare on Henry Hudson Hotel stationery -- w. 57th st. and it's dated, so it was '67 --- and "Farewell, thou are too dear for my possessing, etc: ....the charter of thy worth gives thee releasing.... ...for how do i hold thee but by thy granting?...... ...thyself thou gavest, thy own worth then not knowing .........thus i have had thee , as a dream doth flatter, in sleep a king, but, waking, no such matter"............................how funny that it ended about the same time of year that it is now, all those years ago........]